Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Your cock deserves a montage
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
