theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
