maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
