Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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