he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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