Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
