So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
