There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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