FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
