1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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