I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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