What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
