I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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