There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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