I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
