How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
