We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
