Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
