the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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