Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
