plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
