Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
