my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
