you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
