No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You smell like stripper and shame
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
