I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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