Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
