The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
