Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
