3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
