He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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