"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
please come you make the beer taste better
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm passing your future prison.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
