I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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