youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
