I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
