It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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