just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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