I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
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