John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Houston, we have a blender
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
