im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
