apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
