Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
