i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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