why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
