wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
