Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
