I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I believe in your delicious
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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