That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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