The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
