I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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