roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
